I'm not going to break down like I did last time. I'm so much stronger than I was. It's just a chapter of my life that's closed, forever.
I can look forward now.
Have other shit to write, but I don't feel like it. Maybe later.
- Current Mood: cold
Not because of him or anyone else, but...but this is for me. It's not fair to him, that I'm so scared and uncertain about...every aspect of our lives.
It's not fair to him that I still can't say I love you freely. I do love him, so much. He's done so much for me, and he's so sweet and caring... He makes me smile just thinking about everything we've been through together.
But the truth of the matter is that something is keeping me from saying it. I don't know what's holding me back. The matter of the fact is that we can't communicate like we should. I feel like I can't speak to him like I should. Like we can't discuss normal, everyday things without breaking into some ridiculous fight.
I've been talking to JD alot. I've still got so many issues of my own to work out. He puts things into perspective for me.
But, I need to fix this. He's right. I need to regain my trust in people - in myself. I've got to learn to rely on myself. And, the only way I can do that is by being by myself for once.
I'm scared. I want to cry. I want to, to run back into his arms...
Maybe I should take a vacation. Get away completely.
Find an Africa of my own.
- Current Mood: crappy
Marcus bought a house! (...How much money does this guy have, that he can spend it on all this opulent crap for the engagement and still have enough to buy a house afterwards?) I helped him pick out some of the furniture and set everything up, and it's a really cozy, comfortable place to live in. A much better place than his last one by - I don't know - a billion? The only good thing that's come out of all this rot is that I've gotten to see him more. He really is a great guy. I'm glad we get to hang out more.
...Oh, crap, I'm jumping around. Okay - jumping back - I saw Rhodes again, and everything's cool now, I reckon. Met his charming friend, Wilder. The Savant of debauchery, heh heh. I forgot how fun Rhodes is, because it's not just anybody who can make coffee interesting. I want to hang around with him more. He mentioned Poker Night - sounds excellent. Except, I have to re-learn how to play poker. I'm pretty sure the Americans that taught me way back when were fairly drunk and deliberately taught me incorrectly so I'd take off my clothes... (I didn't, for you information. Don't look at me with those judgemental eyes, diary.)
Uhm...oh, okay. The photoshoot is coming up. That'll be fun. Just me, Paige, and the camera...And the photographer, and the artistic director, and my boyfriend...okay, so maybe 'Just' isn't the right word to use here.
...I accidently dropped the elephant. And then, it accidentally opened up so I could accidentally find this pretty necklace...I'm wearing it now. But, I don't know what to do...how I feel. I want to say, to do something - but I...I don't know what.
- Current Mood: busy
So. I told myself I wouldn't give into it this time. So...this is me not doing it. So please don't follow the instructions below...
-- Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 -- I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 -- You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 -- You'll include this explanation.
5 -- You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.
(CURSE YOU, MARCUS!)
- Current Mood: amused
- Current Mood: evil, BWAHA.
We're back together, me an Linc. And honestly, I've never liked him more. This was one of the better ideas I've had, the getting together and slowing things down bit. God, it's ridiculously hard to remain abstinent, but even he agrees that it's good for us. It is, too. You get close to a person in other ways when you can't get close physically. I feel like the roles have reversed themselves, though. I'm thinking about sex loads more than I used to, and I swear there have been so many close calls when I barely resisted dragging him off to the nearest closed room and rocking his world.
Valentine's Day, wow! For being my first real Valentine's Day with a boyfriend in like, ever - it was INCREDIBLE. One surprise after another. The day before, we were watching horror movies until I drifted off to sleep in his arms. When I woke up, the room was flooded with fresh flowers and he bought me matching snitch earrings. And, two unbelievably cute new outfits for me to try out on our incredible date - closed down an amusement park AND a restaurant for me. But, I think the best bit was the closet space he cleared out for me. I keep half my clothing in there now, it's just so much more convenient. Although, I am a fan of stealing his clothing for myself. He's unbelievably gorgey in boxers and a white tee, but for some reason I think I just barely beat him in the sex-o-meter. He likes seeing me in his clothes too. He gets that adorable grin of his, the one that - aaaaand, I'm gushing. Sorry. My bad.
But, everything can't be as great as it's been with my and Linc lately. (Is it sad that I find the name Lincoln sexy? I mean, it's not really known as a sexy name, but I can't help it...)
Marcus and Nessa called off the engagement. I don't know what happened. Nessa's gone, probably working. We're so distant now...it hurts. I don't know what's going on.
But poor Marcus. He's devestated...and homeless. He's been kicked out of his new crap place. Sleeping in that gross car - so I invited him to spend a few nights at my place, just until he gets his act back together again. Poor thing! I'm sure Paige wont mind.
- Current Mood: complacent
But I don't want to be. I don't want to think about this anymore, all I want is a gallon or maybe a bathtub filled with ice cream. Chocolate, preferably.
- Current Mood: depressed
But if I'm to think about it, my socail life has taken a bit of a plunge. I barely spend any time at the apartment, and I don't go out like I used too. I practice I go...to clean myself up, and have someone tend to my wounds, heh, but that pretty much sums up my days.
I'll have to change that.
Christmas is coming up. I want to see if I can grab a week-long vacation soon, spend Christmas in some hot, tropical climate. Maybe I can convince Linc to come with me. But then, I have Christmas presents to come up with and dole out. I need to touch base with Braewyn, since I haven't harrassed her lately. I want to hear about Amber's stay in Hogwarts.
I need to hang out with my friends.
Oh. Right. Nessa? SHE'S ENGAGED. TO MARCUS.
I'm so glad for her, they really deserve one another.
- Current Mood: happy
But, the rest is...it's good. Harry Potter saved us all. Thank you, Harry. You are the hero of a nation, of an entire people, and you're what, one?
He who must not be names is dead. I fought in the final battle - and I survived.
Slowly, slowly...my life is rebuilding itself. To what it was before all the crap, before Troy. I moved today to my new apartment. I've roomates now, Paige, Randy, Jamie, and Brenden.
They're so cool. I'm glad I'm with Paige, together, we can build each other up. I feel like she needs this. Because of...well, Darius. That was rather messy with them, I think. I don't think she's over it.
I'm not spending the night in my new apartment, however...Heeheehee.
Speaking of, I wonder what's going on between us. I can't even tell anymore. And, you know what, whatever. So long as we understand each other, who cares, right?
- Current Mood: happy